Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Cycle
Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.
Presenting and Inquiring
This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.
Personal Peace
I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
Understanding the Roots
A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.
Benefits of Counseling
When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.
Practical Steps
Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.
Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.
This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.
