The Words from My Father Which Saved Me during my time as a New Parent

"I believe I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of fatherhood.

However the truth soon proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward statement "You are not in a healthy space. You need assistance. In what way can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader inability to communicate among men, who continue to absorb damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a break - going on a short trip overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "terrible actions" when he was younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he says. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a family member, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the challenges, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - prioritising you is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their issues, changed how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."